sermon on hypocrisy

i'm listening to matt morton, the college pastor at ye olde grace bible church in college station. here's what he says:


you've got more influence than you think you do.

when we live as hypocrites and we violate the spirit of the gospel, we may also pull people with us. and you don't have to be an apostle to have influence over other people.

every person in this room has influence over other people.

whether you realize it or not.
whether you think you're important or not.
whether you have an official leadership position or not.

you have influence over your friends.

you have influence over your family.

and if you go back into the lifestyle that you were living prior to knowing Jesus Christ, the odds are that somebody is going to follow after you.

if you are the person that is living one way during the week and then saying another thing on sunday, the odds are that somebody's going to follow that lead.

if you are returning to your old masters of sin, of insecurity, of fear, whatever it is, the odds are you're having influence on someone.

so think through your immediate circle of friends: your roommates, boyfriend or girlfriend, family...what kind of influence are you having on those people? are you pulling them toward the truth of Jesus Christ or are you pulling them away from Jesus Christ by the way that you are living?

when we live in hypocrisy, when we return to our old masters, we lead others astray.


Galatians 2:11-15

it's alive!!!!

on my other blog i'm about to post about a book i'm reading again, but in one of the questions at the end of the chapter i read today, i was axed:

'from your perspective, what is the difference between "token commitment" and "reckless abandonment" to Jesus? Is your relationship with Jesus one of sacrifice or convenience?

and then it surrendered unto me a verse from Scripture:

(2 Sam. 24:24)

i read it, and i suddenly remembered the story...but of COURSE when you're given a verse plucked from the midst of a stream of conscious thought, you've simply GOT to go back to the beginning to figure out what is implied by the context.

and i saw something amazing that either 1) i'd never seen before or 2) totally forgot about. after David - motivated by pride - disobeyed God and took a census of the land and all his people in Israel and Judah, God let David choose what sort of punishment he wanted to face: to be chased by his enemies for three months, drowned in seven years of famine, or inflicted with three days of plague. David let God pick one that didn't involve people, and the plague ravaged the people for three days. seventy thousand people died for David's sin!

the cool thing was how the Bible mentioned God watching the plague unfurl from the hand of one of His angels. He told him when to stop, saying as the disease approached Araunah the Jebusite's threshing floor, 'it is enough; now restrain your hand.' and THEN 'David spoke to the Lord when he SAW the angel who was striking the people, and said, "surely i have sinned, and i have done wickedly; but these sheep, what have they done? Let Your hand, i pray, be against me and against my father's house."' (2sam24:17)

isn't that amazing? okay, i have to go. upstairs. to take a bath. gladice. with legs like toothpicks. and a neck like a

gi..
raff
raff
raff
raff
raff
raff
raff
raffe!

listening

i'm listening to a sermon called "SKG: Guard Your Heart," and it's SO GOOD. you've got to listen to it. it's helping me so much.

www.grace-bible.org/sermons

every single day i have something i can give thanks for.

why does God bring us out into the wilderness? to see us suffer and die of want? why become suspicious of God's goodness? the root of all sin is the suspicion that God is not good. think of adam and eve: God's withholding something from us!

when our heart becomes hard, we are tempted to question God's motivation.

a hard heart looks at other people's circumstances and says, "man, i wish i had that life..." but everyone has trials! we think we want to exchange, but we don't really know all the details in the background of everyone's trials.

those are some highlights.

i just want to worship.

bring me to that place.

new creature

my walk with Christ, my spiritual life, has been rough.

not in the sense that i've been overtly persecuted. not because i've experienced incredible opposition or trudged through death, disease, and poverty.

the road has been jagged and long because i've suffered from overdoses of mediocrity, laziness, underachievement, depression, selfishness, rebellion, immaturity, pride, mirthlessness, and countless moments of misplaced trust.

wicked, deceived, stubborn, i have made life much more difficult than need be. i complained and fought the tides of righteousness and grace because, when growing up, i was showered with nothing but praise of what a good Christian i was. full-headed, i became legalistic when i went to The Master's College and lost the fresh understanding of Christ through four years of educational discovery. stale, cracked and dry i faltered for years. years! i've tasted single drops and bouts of thunderstorm grace, knowing always that God would never leave, regardless of my sterility. weeping, falling, crying out, God has actively watched with patience as i've writhed in my own vices. He pulls me to my feet and wipes away the tears, but i again tumble down one, two, eighty flights of stairs, wondering with each bump why i never relied more securly on His arm.

i found the value of depending on human counsel, but began to slip into comfort; rather than wrapping myself in God's cloaks and pouring my heart to Him as i once did, i started voicing every concern to humans first. salah, jennifer, shababe, danice, katey, ruthie, adnama, melany, mum, dad, and dane, to name a few, have all been recepients of my failings and have listened to my thoughts before i opened them to my Lord. i liked the physical attention better; i coveted their voice and desired their sympathies. advice i could hear. hands i could hold.

i betrayed Him. i threw my heart at people and sneered at Him, letting Him know i could find His advice in the mouths of others and i didn't need His Words to soothe or His arms to fall into. i cradled my own heart and watched it turn to ash, and then came crawling back to Him, begging Him for a new one. He always gave it. when i truly repented, i mean.

my folly is abundant. my spirit is black and torn. it's tattered. i've wandered so far the past few years of my life, i'm often stalked by emotions and ideas that no one could really love me. if they had truly been there to see me turn to stone, they wouldn't say the things they say to "make me feel better." everyone in my life that i love has tried to reassure me, but i don't need their reassurance because they don't know my heart like God does. i've doubted advice and sometimes promised to take it to thought, but never did, because they didn't know my spiritual condition; i wouldn't tell them. i didn't lie about it, but i concealed it with silence or trite words.

no.

no one loves me.

not like God.

He was there to see me fall into sin over and over again. He's been faithful and persistent; He's watched me - He saw me and loved me at my darkest when i was too damaged to reach out to another human. He lifted me when He knew i was going to throw it in His face a day later. He kept running with me when i shadowed myself behind a wall of stagnant faith. He found me when my feet were broken and my legs numb with fleeing His presence. He rocked my soul to sleep and washed my muddy face clean, whispering and comforting when my body finally gave out, and i had no where to go.

i thought i was crazy when people told me i was fine; i thought i'd lost it when i was looking up from inside a pit, loved ones (meaning well) circling the top and saying there was nothing wrong. but they couldn't see me on the inside. i angrily shuffled my feet those days, bitter that no one saw where it hurt most; i couldn't speak; they didn't know me; they hushed me with promises that i was going to be okay when i woke up.

each day, i woke up a little more broken, a little more anorexic, a little more asthmatic, a little more cancerous, a little more dead, until i began sleeping through the night. and through the day. dead. dead. dead.

but i hid my gray skin and foggy eyes because i didn't want people to think any differently of me. i didn't want people to know i'd killed myself. that i was struggling. cold and alone, sunshine and warmth broke through when i caught glimpses of Christ in His flickering pages of Life; they fluttered every day between my fingers, but my heart refused to receive everything they offered.

this won't make sense, but now i've realized i don't know everything. i've realized that there is much more to this faith than what i've been living. years of stumbling will continue, and closure comes only next, but

i'm desperate

for newness and for revival.

knock away the scales and pull my hair free; wipe away the grime and break through such hardened skin; i hate my walk as it was, so i'll grip His arm and remember why i'm living.


Father, what can we say? we feel utterly unworthy in the face of Christ's unspeakable sufferings. we are sorry. it was our sin that brought this to pass. it was we who struck Him and spit on Him and mocked Him. O Father, we are so sorry. we bow ourselves to the dirt

and shut the mouths of our small, dark, petty, sinful souls.

O Father, touch us with fresh faith that we might believe the incredible. the very pain of Christ that makes us despair is our salvation. open our fearful hearts to receive the Gospel.

waken dead parts of our hearts that cannot feel what must be felt - that we are loved with the deepest, strongest, purest love in the universe.

Oh, grant us to have the power to comprehend with all the saints the height and depth and length and breadth of the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, and may we be filled with the fullness of God.

Fight for us, O God, that we do not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity.

O God, open our eyes to the vastness of the sufferings of Christ and what they mean for sin and holiness and hope and heaven. we fear our bent to trifling. make us awake to the weight of glory - the glory of Christ's incomparable sufferings.

in His great and wonderful name, amen.

-John Piper, Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ, 72

parmished

i do not want to leave God's Word this morning.

just one chapter and i'm sucked in.

i love first samuel 3. a lot.

i'm so thirsty for God - SO famished! i have three days off starting tomorrow, so i'm going to bury myself as much as possible.

i want to know and i want to learn and i want to see and i want to taste and i want to hunger even more.

i ate too much

today was grand. God did change my heart and my frustration. i woke up mad, right? i was fixin to walk into work and say, "i'm mad." but i didn't have the chance! i did get there seventeen minutes late (nobody cared! store's not open yet..) and the moment i crossed the threshold of our department, i was greeted with everything ranging from "hey shugah!" to "YAY she's here!" and later on, "hey, loser" (lol i looked up/responded when he said, "hey, loser"). and then marsha asked me to take care of all the labor stuff while she and sarah unloaded some gyp, sunflowers, and curly willow. i developed blisters on all the soft cushions of my right palm from twisting a pair of plyers around some wingnuts, tightening the tables. those rickety, black tables of death. it was good; we got to decorate Christmas style. oooOoOOoooooOooo...

i was mad, but not really sure why. went to bed kind of mad...mad like crazy...or something...and then one reason i was mad in the morning was because i felt fat. there's nothing worse than feeling fat, whether you are or not. nothing. i promise. i came home and felt fat. but i wasn't just mad anymore; it was just mad at fat feelings. it was worse earlier on because throughout the day, the chefs and cooks and things were cooking up a storm of bread, entrees, and sides! they made cakes and pies and cheese things! they were cooking for experience since we're opening the store on the eleventh...and then they fed every department there! so, i got even fatter-feeling with mmmmm good things.

so i've decided that tonight i'm going to read some of "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" because i'm not feelin' it. lol i might post again tonight, but it might be tomorrow. i'm sorry these blogs are so unpolished! i promise i find a groove and snuggle in somewhere...it's just rough setting up a pattern at first. i'll get it. i'm sorry you have to read this! better things will present themselves.

i pop

i woke up mad this morning and i don't even know why. mad, as i tried to describe to my mother, meaning "determined due to frustration." i woke up wanting to punch my pillow for any and all reasons. dumb pillow!

i think i'm still mad. yep. because i'm not ready for work! inside, i mean. i'm dressed and ready to go, but i don't think my heart is ready. i just flipped open my Bible and it fell on matthew 26:40-41 and i think something just killed me:

"then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, 'WHAT! could you not watch with Me one hour? watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'"

heavy-eyes-syndrome. that's me. i didn't even stay up super late last night, but i woke up at 6 and went back to sleep. it's the worst feeling in the world to do anything before reading the Bible, and i woke up just in time to go on a morning walk with mum. my goodness how awful a feeling that was. Jesus warns to "watch and pray lest you enter into temptation." it's important to keep on top of things.

i don't know what it is, but i can't stand the thought of being interrupted while i'm doing my Bible Study. i don't care if i'm interrupted any other time of my life, but i absolutely loathe those moments where someone starts speaking to me or knocks on my door when i'm in the midst of communion with God. i need complete and total separation from the world, or else i get way distracted and then feel like poop the rest of the day. and act like poop. i become poop. i used to have that sanctuary of being apart from everything when i did Bible studies on the roof. but when dad found out, he told me never to go up there again. it was total bliss up there!!! i want so badly to find a place where i can go off by myself and be ALONE. just while i'm spending my quite time. WHERE, though?? WHERE can i go?? i've tried the library (that place full of dead people), i've tried the backyard, i've tried coffee shops, i've tried other random places...but nothing really works! i guess this room is the best option. but being outside is...amazing.

can't sit on the grass (fire ants), can't open my screenless window (wasps), can't sit in a field (fire ants and goats), can't sit on the roof (shingles breaking?)...i'm TRAPPED. crap!!! i ALWAYS STRUGGLE to find the perfect place, but it's just not here! i would go to some other places, but there's something stupid about being a girl. a girl alone. i hate this rotten world. i wish i were a man. then no one would think about stealing me. poop people. i can't wait for heaven when there won't be poop-smelly distractions or poopy people or poop-filled locations. nothing would get in my blasted way. i won't fall asleep. i won't be separated. i won't get frustrated. i won't be mad. i'm mad. the kind of mad that comes with frustration and impatience. comes from not getting things done.

work will unfold today and i know God will change my madness. don't you worry your butt; i'll be fine! i'm late, but...for some reason, right now my manager said it was okay that we're late. weird.

an intimate picture of imperfection

i forget how nice it is to sit and think about the Lord, or how wonderful it is reading through books about Him (including the Bible, of course) rather than wasting my time in front of the brain-sucker tv.

my thoughts have been lacking, wanting. too concerned with things that don't really matter in the long run. i have dreams, but most of them haven't been realized yet; i say:

"i want to be a writer."

"i want to be a Bible Study Leader."

"i want to be a counselor."

"i want to be a missionary."

"i want to be a part of the battle."

"i want to move."

"i want to be moved."

and then...i don't do anything!

tonight i watched the rest of "Ghost World," and completely sank into despair with the poor girl; she couldn't get her act together and floundered through the entire movie, failing at almost everything she attempted. she confused, distorted, and wandered all because she didn't have a solid foundation, a solid understanding of who she was. the end wasn't even all that uplifting, and now i'm just thinking...what will it take for me to take some kind of action? i long to step out in faith and spread Christ everywhere, but i'm too timid because i think i don't know enough. i hear, and i know, that that's one of the worst attitudes you can have. but the timidity only comes and goes. most days i flip flop through both bull-head boldness and wide-eyed church-mouseness. courage comes as i depend more fully on God's grace, as i desire more deeply (and seek more diligently) the presence of the Trinity in every aspect of my life.

*let me take a moment to apologize ahead of time; i think that this blog (if you're reading it) is definitely more personal and perhaps more intimate than it has been before. i'm not necessarily searching for answers, unless you feel the Lord might be leading you in that direction to offer; essentially, you're just reading my diary. journal. thing. yep, the way things are lookin', you might just be watching my spiritual walk unfold before your very eyes. and for some reason, that doesn't really scare me to think about. i guess i did, after all, invite you to read this. hoping that God would use it to both strengthen me and perhaps encourage you.*

so, i'm reading these books right now:

*Seeking and Savoring Jesus Christ by John Piper

*Faith and Freedom: An Invitation to the Writings of Martin Luther

*Falling in Love with Jesus: Abandoning Yourself to the Greatest Romance of Your Life by Dee Brestin and Kathy Triccoli

*The Kingdom of the Cults by Walter Martin

*Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall

*Wild at Heart by John Eldridge

*When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy

*Nothing but the Truth: Upholding the Gospel in a Doubting Age by the one and only Johnny Mac

*Do You Think I'm Beautiful?: the Question Every Woman Asks by Angela Thomas

*Decision Making and the Will of God: A Biblical Alternative to the Traditional View by Garry Friesen

and i'm doing this Bible Study by Beth Moore called "Believing God" and i'm not doing very good with that because...i rebel against structure even though i love every single lesson in there and i cry every time i sit down and read it.

and i'm reading through the Bible; in 2nd Samuel and Hosea.

aaaand My Utmost for His Highest by everybodyknowswho (Oswald Chambers).

so, there's no telling what you might get in a day!

right now, the closest thing to my arm is Piper's book. and it's open to where i left off. page 22 in chaptah two. the chapter opened with this profound phrase:


"Christ does not exist in order to make much of US. WE exist in order to enjoy making much of HIM...Christ is not glorious so that we get wealthy or healthy. Christ is glorious so that rich or poor, sick or sound, we might be satisfied in Him." (p.21)


isn't that true, foolish girl! [(author!)] i am struck with the wording, "in order to enjoy.." it's not our dusty duty to glorify Christ; it's our joy and fulfillment to "make much of Him" in the world around us. He says in John 15:10-11:

"if you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. these things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full."

our true wellspring of joy comes solely from abiding in Christ; we might have passing happiness in the things around us (God didn't create the world for us to be miserable in it!), but nothing compares to the delight stemming from a deep commitment to love and know Jesus Christ, and to believe Him. and in Him.

ooOooooOOOooooOOoo...get this in proving the deity of Christ: (p.23)

~

"the apostle John quoted Christ near the end of his Revelation: "Behold, I am coming soon....I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end....I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify to you about these things for the churches (Revelation 22:12-13,16)"

[God called Himself before (infrontof) Moses, the great "I AM," a name which encompasses everything from the past, present, and future: to be "I AM" is to have no beginning, to have no end; to simply BE. Exodus 3 - God instructed Moses to call Him I AM and in Isaiah 44:6, said, "...I am the first and I am the last; besides me there is no God..." and again in Isaiah 48:12]

"this is Christ talking [revelation passage], not God the Father. now, two cannot be 'Alpha and Omega" unless they are one. two cannot be absolutely "first and last" unless they are one. yet Christ (who calls Himself Jesus) claims for Himself the same honor and glory belonging to God the Almighty. (Revelation 1:17-18; 2:8)"

~

even in John 8:58 Jesus calls Himself the Great I AM. people say He didn't call Himself God, but if you read through John, after He busts out with this, all throughout the rest of John He'll say that He is the Son of God - that He is God. calling Himself I AM was all it took!

"nothing greater can any man say of himself. it is true, or it is blasphemy. Christ was God or godless." (p.23-24)

anyway, i can't remember what i was saying...

oh yes, the point of this blog: what i want to do is take time aside when i get off work (or before i go to work...or both!), and spend it reading a book. then i will post about what i learn. it's good cause it helps me think my thoughts and maybe God will use it for you too!

but right quick, i have to do me some dishes...brb...

okay, now i'm back and mom's talking real loud on the phone (she says I'M loud!) so i'm going to go upstairs where i can think on my worthless, slow, but moderately useful laptop.