i pop

i woke up mad this morning and i don't even know why. mad, as i tried to describe to my mother, meaning "determined due to frustration." i woke up wanting to punch my pillow for any and all reasons. dumb pillow!

i think i'm still mad. yep. because i'm not ready for work! inside, i mean. i'm dressed and ready to go, but i don't think my heart is ready. i just flipped open my Bible and it fell on matthew 26:40-41 and i think something just killed me:

"then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, 'WHAT! could you not watch with Me one hour? watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'"

heavy-eyes-syndrome. that's me. i didn't even stay up super late last night, but i woke up at 6 and went back to sleep. it's the worst feeling in the world to do anything before reading the Bible, and i woke up just in time to go on a morning walk with mum. my goodness how awful a feeling that was. Jesus warns to "watch and pray lest you enter into temptation." it's important to keep on top of things.

i don't know what it is, but i can't stand the thought of being interrupted while i'm doing my Bible Study. i don't care if i'm interrupted any other time of my life, but i absolutely loathe those moments where someone starts speaking to me or knocks on my door when i'm in the midst of communion with God. i need complete and total separation from the world, or else i get way distracted and then feel like poop the rest of the day. and act like poop. i become poop. i used to have that sanctuary of being apart from everything when i did Bible studies on the roof. but when dad found out, he told me never to go up there again. it was total bliss up there!!! i want so badly to find a place where i can go off by myself and be ALONE. just while i'm spending my quite time. WHERE, though?? WHERE can i go?? i've tried the library (that place full of dead people), i've tried the backyard, i've tried coffee shops, i've tried other random places...but nothing really works! i guess this room is the best option. but being outside is...amazing.

can't sit on the grass (fire ants), can't open my screenless window (wasps), can't sit in a field (fire ants and goats), can't sit on the roof (shingles breaking?)...i'm TRAPPED. crap!!! i ALWAYS STRUGGLE to find the perfect place, but it's just not here! i would go to some other places, but there's something stupid about being a girl. a girl alone. i hate this rotten world. i wish i were a man. then no one would think about stealing me. poop people. i can't wait for heaven when there won't be poop-smelly distractions or poopy people or poop-filled locations. nothing would get in my blasted way. i won't fall asleep. i won't be separated. i won't get frustrated. i won't be mad. i'm mad. the kind of mad that comes with frustration and impatience. comes from not getting things done.

work will unfold today and i know God will change my madness. don't you worry your butt; i'll be fine! i'm late, but...for some reason, right now my manager said it was okay that we're late. weird.