an intimate picture of imperfection

i forget how nice it is to sit and think about the Lord, or how wonderful it is reading through books about Him (including the Bible, of course) rather than wasting my time in front of the brain-sucker tv.

my thoughts have been lacking, wanting. too concerned with things that don't really matter in the long run. i have dreams, but most of them haven't been realized yet; i say:

"i want to be a writer."

"i want to be a Bible Study Leader."

"i want to be a counselor."

"i want to be a missionary."

"i want to be a part of the battle."

"i want to move."

"i want to be moved."

and then...i don't do anything!

tonight i watched the rest of "Ghost World," and completely sank into despair with the poor girl; she couldn't get her act together and floundered through the entire movie, failing at almost everything she attempted. she confused, distorted, and wandered all because she didn't have a solid foundation, a solid understanding of who she was. the end wasn't even all that uplifting, and now i'm just thinking...what will it take for me to take some kind of action? i long to step out in faith and spread Christ everywhere, but i'm too timid because i think i don't know enough. i hear, and i know, that that's one of the worst attitudes you can have. but the timidity only comes and goes. most days i flip flop through both bull-head boldness and wide-eyed church-mouseness. courage comes as i depend more fully on God's grace, as i desire more deeply (and seek more diligently) the presence of the Trinity in every aspect of my life.

*let me take a moment to apologize ahead of time; i think that this blog (if you're reading it) is definitely more personal and perhaps more intimate than it has been before. i'm not necessarily searching for answers, unless you feel the Lord might be leading you in that direction to offer; essentially, you're just reading my diary. journal. thing. yep, the way things are lookin', you might just be watching my spiritual walk unfold before your very eyes. and for some reason, that doesn't really scare me to think about. i guess i did, after all, invite you to read this. hoping that God would use it to both strengthen me and perhaps encourage you.*

so, i'm reading these books right now:

*Seeking and Savoring Jesus Christ by John Piper

*Faith and Freedom: An Invitation to the Writings of Martin Luther

*Falling in Love with Jesus: Abandoning Yourself to the Greatest Romance of Your Life by Dee Brestin and Kathy Triccoli

*The Kingdom of the Cults by Walter Martin

*Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall

*Wild at Heart by John Eldridge

*When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy

*Nothing but the Truth: Upholding the Gospel in a Doubting Age by the one and only Johnny Mac

*Do You Think I'm Beautiful?: the Question Every Woman Asks by Angela Thomas

*Decision Making and the Will of God: A Biblical Alternative to the Traditional View by Garry Friesen

and i'm doing this Bible Study by Beth Moore called "Believing God" and i'm not doing very good with that because...i rebel against structure even though i love every single lesson in there and i cry every time i sit down and read it.

and i'm reading through the Bible; in 2nd Samuel and Hosea.

aaaand My Utmost for His Highest by everybodyknowswho (Oswald Chambers).

so, there's no telling what you might get in a day!

right now, the closest thing to my arm is Piper's book. and it's open to where i left off. page 22 in chaptah two. the chapter opened with this profound phrase:


"Christ does not exist in order to make much of US. WE exist in order to enjoy making much of HIM...Christ is not glorious so that we get wealthy or healthy. Christ is glorious so that rich or poor, sick or sound, we might be satisfied in Him." (p.21)


isn't that true, foolish girl! [(author!)] i am struck with the wording, "in order to enjoy.." it's not our dusty duty to glorify Christ; it's our joy and fulfillment to "make much of Him" in the world around us. He says in John 15:10-11:

"if you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. these things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full."

our true wellspring of joy comes solely from abiding in Christ; we might have passing happiness in the things around us (God didn't create the world for us to be miserable in it!), but nothing compares to the delight stemming from a deep commitment to love and know Jesus Christ, and to believe Him. and in Him.

ooOooooOOOooooOOoo...get this in proving the deity of Christ: (p.23)

~

"the apostle John quoted Christ near the end of his Revelation: "Behold, I am coming soon....I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end....I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify to you about these things for the churches (Revelation 22:12-13,16)"

[God called Himself before (infrontof) Moses, the great "I AM," a name which encompasses everything from the past, present, and future: to be "I AM" is to have no beginning, to have no end; to simply BE. Exodus 3 - God instructed Moses to call Him I AM and in Isaiah 44:6, said, "...I am the first and I am the last; besides me there is no God..." and again in Isaiah 48:12]

"this is Christ talking [revelation passage], not God the Father. now, two cannot be 'Alpha and Omega" unless they are one. two cannot be absolutely "first and last" unless they are one. yet Christ (who calls Himself Jesus) claims for Himself the same honor and glory belonging to God the Almighty. (Revelation 1:17-18; 2:8)"

~

even in John 8:58 Jesus calls Himself the Great I AM. people say He didn't call Himself God, but if you read through John, after He busts out with this, all throughout the rest of John He'll say that He is the Son of God - that He is God. calling Himself I AM was all it took!

"nothing greater can any man say of himself. it is true, or it is blasphemy. Christ was God or godless." (p.23-24)